Written In Sorrow
One day your life is a garden. Your family fills you with pride. You can smile at the face of an angel. You can smile watching her fly. What we have is a stolen moment, a fragile balance lasting only so long. The fear we fear the most can mean the end to a beautiful song. And it can take your soul. And it can stop your heart. And it can never be the same again.
Take time to remember the wonder. Relive her triumphs and cherish her life. Share your tears with the people you love. Feel the stories of a life filled with light.
Some questions never get answered when what’s precious is taken away. While so little beauty surrounds us, why can’t the flowers stay?
My name is Samantha. Last year, you brought me a baby sister for Christmas. You must have given my puppy to some other Samantha. I love my sister, but I still want a puppy. She can’t talk yet but I know she wants one too. We will name him Jellybean and love him forever. My Mother says I was very good so I deserve it. I hope you can find my house this year. We live on Main Street in Newtown, USA.
Attn: Engineering Dept.
It has come to my attention that the current specs for the Bushmaster line of Adaptive Combat Rifles allow only for a maximum 30 round magazine. Testing has found that despite our product’s capability to fire multiple rounds per second, this unnecessary reloading could allow targets the opportunity to survive an encounter by limiting the number of rounds that tear through their bodies or avoid being struck altogether. Our company’s goal is to deliver superior lethal products to discerning customers. Toward that end, I am calling for modifications to the entire line to accommodate a 50 round magazine. I expect to see prototypes on my desk by Christmas.
An Anonymous Vice President
Bushmaster Firearms International
A Part of Freedom Group
Owned by Cerberus Capital Management
Area Man Injured in Apparent Rhinoceros Accident
Long time resident, Gerald McFanny, is in serious condition in BiCounty General Hospital after sustaining serious injuries in an apparent bathroom rhinoceros accident. McFanny was discovered on the floor of the couple’s split-level ranch by his wife Frances. According to Mrs. McFanny, she heard an unusual commotion coming from the upstairs bathroom. ”When I heard loud roars and felt the floor shake, I knew something was wrong. Then I heard Gerry scream. I ran upstairs and opened the door to find him pinned to the wall by the rhino. He was bleeding pretty badly and he looked like he was in shock. I shooed the rhino away and helped him sit. Then I ran to call 911. They came very quickly, and Thank God, because he didn’t look like he was going to make it. I just took a first aid course, but I didn’t know what to do. He must have slipped getting out of the shower and landed on the rhino.”
Mr. McFanny sustained injuries to vital organs, but none are considered life threatening. Police experts have been called in to investigate and Inspector Bob Ranko states, “At this time, we’re considering the upstairs bathroom a crime scene. We’ll see how it plays out. A lot of the time these things turn out to be just an accident, but at this time we can’t rule out foul play. And no, before you people go starting a witch hunt, we don’t have any suspects.”
Asked about the unusual circumstances of her husband’s accident, Mrs. McFanny said, “It’s funny. We rarely use that shower since the kids have grown up.”
Local Teen Pleads for Adults to Buy him Cigarettes
Jeremy Taser, 14, of 1295 Hope Lange Dr has taken up temporary residence outside the Pump and Scratch Convenience store on Route 87 in hopes of procuring “some smokes”. He plans on asking promising people of cigarette-buying age to score a pack or even a carton for his personal smoking pleasure. “I won’t bother asking any women because they always look at you like they’re your mother. Unless they’re pretty hagged out from smoking themselves. They might have a heart. Then again, some of the old guys have creeped me out. One guy asked me what I would do in exchange. I’m determined to get some smokes, but not that determined.”
Mr. Taser has had limited success to this point. He spent Tuesday night, all day Wednesday, and part of Thursday hanging out by the side wall instead of near the windows. He estimates that he has asked “about 60” people to buy for him. His only successful solicitation came when a businessman in a suit and tie flicked an incompletely smoked Newport butt at him. “He took my money and went in. When he came out, he dropped something. So I just waited until he left and casually walked over to grab the loot, but it was only a losing scratch ticket.” Taser admits that a similar scenario has played out more than a few times since he began his crusade. “I only have enough left for a pack of Virginia Slims because they’re on sale. I might have to go home for a little while to do some chores for money. Mom gives me $10 to mow the lawn.”
Taser, who looks older than his 14 years, was disappointed when the attendant at the Pump and Scratch refused to sell him a pack of Marlboros, telling him that he wasn’t old enough. It was that pivotal moment that inspired him to supplement his as-yet not started habit of smoking by begging for cigarettes. “I know that I’ll be successful because I can do anything I set my mind to,” asserts Taser proudly. “No matter how many times I hear, ‘Get lost, loser’, or ‘Stop hanging around here, loser’, or ‘I’ll call the cops, loser’ I’m going to find that last good Samerican who’ll help me out.” When it was pointed out to Taser that buying cigarettes for someone underage was illegal, he responded with a blank stare. “So?”
Some people have even given Taser some advice in lieu of supplying his cigarettes. “Most people ignore me, but some of them try to tell me to save my money for college or they say cigarettes are going to kill me. They don’t understand. They don’t know what it’s like to be a kid these days. You can’t believe the kind of pressure I’m under. I’m not twelve anymore. I’m an adult now. I can make my own decisions.”
Taser believes that perseverance is the key. “I can’t give up now. I’ve invested so much time and effort. I don’t care how many dirty looks I get from these people. I mean, they’re going into the Pump and Scratch anyway. What’s the big deal about doing a guy a solid? There’s always kids hanging around the supermarket asking for money for this and that. What’s the difference?”
Lost Soul Facing Extradition From Hell For Tax Evasion
U.S. authorities began proceedings Tuesday to extradite GrzJkhjlsck, the former Michael Gold, 37. He was indicted on charges of tax evasion and many other lesser charges related to his position as a stockbroker in a South Florida boiler room, operating under the name of Ferris, Chancre, and Tick.
Mr. GrzJkhjlsck is currently residing in the fourth circle of upper Hell where he is employed pushing around great weights for all eternity. U.S. Attorney Raymond Culp said that, while living, Mr. Gold, along with several others, conspired to defraud investors out of millions using illegal stock manipulation practices. “Mr. Gold was murdered by a transvestite prostitute in March of 2002, but we intend to prosecute him and all his other co-conspirators to the fullest extent of the law.”
A spokesminion for Satan would not confirm whether Hell would comply with the request since the U.S. has no formal extradition agreement with Hell. Asmicodemeus the Devourer would only say, “We will review the case and make our decision in the next two weeks. Mr. GrzJkhjlsck has become a model citizen and we would not unwittingly deliver an innocent soul into the hands of a government which is well known for it’s cruel and inhumane punishments.”
Culp also said that a U.S. grand jury indicted GrzJkhjlsck on 13 other charges related to the conspiracy including bribery and extortion. If convicted of all charges, GrzJkhjlsck faces up to 174 years as Khloe Kardashian’s best friend.